2 Am. She walks while I lay.
Breathing heavily. Palms sweating and thoughts running. Emotions have been spilt through the ink I embedded so clearly on the letter I gave you.
I Lay contemplating, and these thoughts smothering my sleep. Thoughts of confusion, and an overwhelming desire. A Desire for future; a future.
I tilt my head towards the curtain filtering the world, yet gliding with the night’s breath. Slowly I pull my body from comfort and thrust my legs from the covers. Naked and exposed to the unknown I pull my body through the small space between the top and the cill of natures own air-conditioning. Freedom of movement allows me to bask in the moons glow of light. I sink into my minds thoughts. I feel
internally cold, freezing; frozen. Is the summer night’s warmth the only thing keeping my body from failing to shutdown? Maybe. I yearn for a moment; a break from the usual pessimistic views, traveling at a speeds science can’t explain down my highway of thoughts. I need the peace she sends.
It’s so surreal. Our Love. Just “us” in general.
The dark & the light. The un-accepting family, the undeniable; unthinkable love.
The girls’ school. Everything is so cliché, yet so surprising and so unexpected in all of our ways. It’s hard our love at school, but its how everything started; so why is it seeming more difficult lately?
My eyes constantly search and scatter themselves across and down the corridors for the matching eyes staring back. You looking at me. Peace washing and cleaning all uneased feelings throughout my mind. All is healed when the sudden glimpse strikes, even for that mere second, all is then complete.
My hand swings limp and bare without the grasp and protection your hand seems to give. Throat parched with the jaw dropping, hanging under its lock and shallow breathing, waiting for your presence.
My shoulders cold and uncovered without your arms sheltering their motions. My laugh echo’s aimlessly with no path leading to its destination. This all when you’re not by my side. These, just a few of the things I feel without you next to me. These aren’t just words, but devastating actions that take place within me, with severe loss leaving me empty and searching for your security.
I love you. Loving you, to love you means a whole lot more than words of a feeling. Actions take place, then feelings leak and embed themselves within the body. The heart skips at a pace un-timable. The stomach turns in directions, compasses are unable to predict. The mind spins in corners of a circle. The hands leak, though luckily the skin filters. The mind is numb to all but you. If my air could lift you, my throat is at drought.
You hold the strings that direct my smile, the cords my laugh bellows and the force behind my tears. You’re the tune to my song and the light to my praises. I admire your strength and love, your passion and care. You are beautiful and you’re my world. Just keep spinning.
My thoughts have been broken. Your touch jolts through body, and trapped within my mind I was unable to realize you joined me on the balcony.
You eyes searching and flickering at mine. Searching for an answer or truth; perhaps both.
I sink. The chair holds me, hugs me and keeps everything from spilling to the ground. You try to speak, but like sand to the tide your voice is smothered by millions of drowning waves and words. I turn away and you drop to your knees. My attention is brought to your body curled onto your knees, hands capturing your tears as they make paths down your innocent cheeks. I start to breathe faster and faster as I try and explain my words on that paper. My mind relapses into emptiness.
As I’m about to clutch the perfect confession, you begin to scream. You stare up at me, with eyes of devastation, betrayal and all with sadness and a lost path. Standing and stabilizing your body, your words are flooding from your mouth not attentive to the new path the tears are escaping into. Aware and penitent, I stand and try to hold you. You scream louder and begin to push and slap me, punch and kick. Your words not making any sense and adjoining until you stop and sink into my shoulder.
“Please. No” slip from your moistened lips. A tear escapes from my eye and I apologize. You straighten and collect your self. Searching for your bag and jacket, your head hangs and your eyes pursue to leak emotions replacing the words. I try and stop you, aware that it’s too late. Your eyes finally making connection to mine once again breaks my wall of stabilized explanations. I let you climb through my window. I watch you walk out my door. I hear your foot steps leave their mark for the very last time on my stairs and wait for the door to close. Waiting no more I see you rush to your car trying to collect yourself and failing. Watching my life slip away into the car I barely see your lights down my street and within moments you’re gone. Unable to explain or justify my secret I bawl and spread my body across the balcony.
The last action taking place. Ever.
Excuse me mam? The hospitals environment making everything so cliché, he found the attention he was looking for. “Mam I’m so sorry, we lost Rachael.”
The cancer spread and defenseless I was defeated.