Morality has always been an issue that I have tried with great intensity to pursue. I have had strong beliefs of what is right or wrong since I was a small child. Please don’t misjudge what I am saying – I have not always conducted myself in an ethically moral way. I have made many wrong decisions in life, followed many paths that I should have not followed, and done many things that would constituted as ethically immoral.
The one issue I feel that I have always wished to get off my chest is path I have chosen to follow with motherhood. I can remember since the age of fourteen having an incredible desire to be a ‘mommy’. I dreamed of what it would be like to have life in my stomach moving, growing, and becoming a part of my heart and soul. My philosophy is that so many in the world around me were focused on bickering and self interests that I eventually became lost in the fast pace of their lives. It seemed that I did not exist unless they were angry with me or I was ill. I was I always caught in the middle of arguments – being pulled in all directions. My parents constantly tried to force to me to make choose between them; acting solely in their own self interests. At times as a child I wondered if anyone would truly ever notice me and love me for who I was. As time went by I faded into the background of my parents lives which did nothing but increase my desire to have someone who would simply love me for me – unconditionally for all time. At this point of my life I know that I was acting in my own self interest – I wanted a child!
Time passed and I became an adult. My human need to have a child became unbearable. At the age of nineteen I became pregnant by a man whom I had been with since the age of fourteen. I can honestly say that he suffered greatly from ethical inconsistency. At the time we found out I was pregnant he was elated and wanted our unborn child. To my surprise, one conversation with his mother had caused a sudden change of heart. His mother placed immense pressure for us to abort my child. Being vulnerable and young I did not stand for my individual freedom and responsibility. I now feel that if I would have had five minutes to truly think about what was happening I would have implemented utilarianism and allowed the good of having a child to override the bad that he and his mother where trying to push me into believing. My natural intuitionism pulled me to my child in the most powerful way, but the categorical imperative of their personal beliefs was laid heavily upon my shoulders. I was made to feel that if I did not abort the child I would be destroying both of our lives. Little did I know what the moral self cultivation of the decision I was pushed into making was going to do to me for years and years to come.
The day of my abortion is still as clear to me today as it was then. He was at work truck driving – would not be there for me. No one knew I was pregnant other than him and his mother. I was left with no choice but to allow her to drive me. I remember sitting in the waiting area feeling myself screaming inside. Moral absolutism had complete control over my soul. I knew the step I was preparing to make was going to be one of the most significant that I could ever make. I felt shame, degradation, humiliation, and most importantly, I felt alone. The absolute truth was that I wanted my baby – I wanted to give life to him/her. Psychological determinism was overwhelming and consuming, but at that moment I felt that he and his mother’s fatalism had complete control over my determinism. I had the abortion. This was a decision that to this day my conscious cannot live with. How could I allow anyone to pressure me into killing my baby?
My punishment for my final decision is everlasting regret. The psychological dangers that I have taken their toll on me. My emotional scars are deeply etched into my being. I will wonder until the end of time the never answered question – what if? I have accepted what I have done but will never forgive what I have done. I have shoved my emotions to the pit of my stomach and have tried to reason with myself over the years with no avail. The truth is there will never be a good enough reason for what I chose to do. My continual consequence is the emotions of pain resurfacing themselves at will my entire life – tormenting me, slowly killing me. The pain I suffer will never be enough to justify the irrational thought process that I had at that time. My failure to act is etched in concrete. My moral dilemma is far from abstract. I will tell you that I have gained the wisdom over the years to adhere to my Golden Rule – do not make any decisions that you know in your heart are morally wrong. Do not make any decision that you know in your heart you will regret for eternity.
Eighteen years later I am a single mother of three. We are happy, stable, and content. I have a daughter Shealynn, who is going on 17 years of age, a son Robbie who is going on 15 years of age, and ShaVaughn who just turned is 6 years of age. As I watch my three beautiful children grow I wonder from time to time what my unborn child would look like, what would he or she be like, would he or she be happy like the rest of my children. I know now that I will always wonder……..
Please do not mistake the point of my theory. I am pro choice – I am a firm believer that women have an absolute right over their own bodies. I believe that we should have the right to decide whether or not we should bring a child to this earth. The responsibilities of raising a child are enormous. There are many logical and understandable reasons for not bringing a child to life. So long as a woman is not forced or pushed into making a decision that she does not wish to make I feel that it is the choice of the woman making the decision to have or not have a child. It is very important that any decision made is one that will allow integrity and self esteem to stay intact.